N. Raghuraman's column: Developing empathy is more important than getting a better rank in school

Recently, when one of my relatives was admitted to the hospital, a friend of hers from Bengaluru offered to stay in the hospital for the night. She was my family's classmate. In fact, she had come to her husband's relative's house to prepare for a wedding. Instead of a relative's house, they decided to sleep in the hospital, so that I could get some rest. When I spoke to my psychology professor about this kind behavior, he asked me, 'Do you have a WhatsApp group in your school?' 'Are there both boys and girls in it?' I said 'yes' again. He asked, 'Would you call a girl in that group and ask if they have a separate group of girls?' He smiled and said, 'Maybe that's why girls of your age are more sympathetic than boys. I agreed. If an elderly member of a classmate's house falls ill or gets injured, they meet each other immediately even at short notice. This does not happen to boys in the same situation. Empathy is the ability to feel the feelings of others, to respond with understanding, with sensitivity. How children make friends, deal with differences, and see themselves in the context of others – empathy is at the heart of it all. It not only creates a classroom climate, but also shapes their family-work life. In the wake of the growing mental health problems, education policies in many countries are also considering the importance of social-emotional learning such as empathy with academics. Emotional understanding, understanding others and their point of view, problem solving together – it is now becoming as important as studying mathematics. Unfortunately, empathy in households is seen as an expectation rather than a skill that can be taught. We tell children to be kind to others and homeless animals, but if the same children ever disagree with us, we don't listen to them. My psychology professor said, 'If you want to increase empathy in the child, first make him feel that he is being heard.' Here are some tips from experts. 1. Empathy starts with active listening. When children are told, 'There is a point in your talk, let me think', they feel that they have been listened to without judgment. Then they say, 'This sounds really frustrating, you must be feeling really isolated. So the kids think you're listening. Parents should keep in mind that listening does not mean agreeing every time, but accepting. This is what makes empathy grow. 2. Name the feelings. Imagine when a father refuses to give a 14-month-old child a toy, his emotions erupt. Children begin to feel emotions long before they learn language and these manifest themselves in the form of behavior. Now ask the same child, 'Did you feel bad?' The child will shake his head without knowing the meaning of 'bad'. After a few days, the child will also learn to speak bad words when there is a disagreement. This is important because empathy comes from the recognition of emotion. Children who are able to name their own feelings are also better at recognizing the feelings of others. Sympathy does not grow through speeches. It grows out of repeated experiences of being heard, understood, and guided. Children learn empathy by watching adults in real life or on screen. The trick is that empathy is a qualification that has to be seen not as an additional quality, but as a basic life skill. Children have to be taught it deliberately, explain it with continuous examples and inculcate it into everyday habits – not just at home, but also in schools.